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Best Picture:
Without a doubt, the best picture of the year was Black Swan. Unfortunately, the hoity-toity Academy voters can't get enough of movies about some sort of disabled who overcomes challenges (even if, as is the case this year, the disabled is set for life due to his royal lineage) or topical films which capture the "essence" of the current era. Quite obviously, The King's Speech is the tard-does-good film this year while The Social Network purports to explain to us and future generations how we live now (i.e., "You know what's cool? One BILLION dollars" or some bullshit about the evolution of human relationships in the digital era). The early money was on The Social Network, but the current wave of momentum points to a win by The King's Speech, even if one of the main sets in the film was recently used as the setting of an English-made hardcore gay porno. In a perfect world, Aronofsky's cinematic journey into the deluded mind of a schizo-psycho ballet dancer would take the cake, but I don't see this happening. 127 Hours was brilliant as well, but I doubt the Academy would give Boyle two Oscars in three years. I pick the King's Speech, begrudgingly.
Best Actor:
Colin Firth is the safe bet, but I wasn't all that thrilled with his stuttering act. I mean, for me, the movie began to drag after we were told that this whole stuttering issue could be solved merely by the King wearing headphones while he speaks. Case closed, right? Actually, no. Annoyingly, The King's Speech is all about off-beat color schemes and wacky cinematography. I say fuck that. For me, the best actor this year was James Franco. 60% of 127 Hours is Franco standing in a crevice talking to himself and I was never bored. Isn't that incredible. Perhaps this has more to do with Boyle's direction than Franco, but I personally found James so much more interesting than that stiff, stuttering king. Sadly, I think the Academy is going to award Firth for still being around after all these years, and for doing a good job in Tom Ford's A Single Man last year. Franco will just have to host and bide his time. I pick Colin Firth, even though he's a limey twerp.
Best Supporting Actor:
Christian Bale is the king of Hollywood freak outs. With five immortal words ––"ARE YOU TRASHING MY SCENE!?" –– Bale became an icon of the diva method-acting set. I love him. He is so fucking cool. BUT, and this is a big but, will the Academy stand to vote for such a psycho? Will all the light directors out there boycott Bale because of the way he treated one of their own? This is the question to ask. In any case, Bale was phenomenal in The Fighter. If for some reason the Academy screws Christian (and they won't because he will fucking snap on them), I would like the Oscar to go to Renner for The Town, a movie which I really got into this year. But I don't see this happening. I pick Christian Bale because I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't.
Best Actress:
A lot of idiots are talking up a big game for Annette Bening right now. They're saying Natalie Portman can't act, and that her STUNNING performance in Black Swan was a fluke. Well, to that I say: "Fuck that!" Even though Bening appears to have gone to Lesbo bootcamp to better prepare for her role in The Kid's Are Alright (the Buddy Holly frames and tight-cropped hairstyle are spot on), she just can't top Natalie's descent into insanity. And if some Academy members are hoping to invoke the Brokeback Mountain/Milk/Boy's Don't Cry clause which aims to include at least one nod to homosexuality each awards season, I would like to remind them that Natalie and Mila totally dyke it out in Black Swan. I pick Natalie Portman because I'm thrilled that it's finally critically acceptable to be in love with her.
Best Supporting Actress:
Melissa Leo is going to win for The Fighter unless The King's Speech pulls off one of those annoying "sweeps" of the Oscars. Fuck Helena, fuck Geoffrey, fuck all of that British bollocks. Melissa Leo, our hometown girl, is going to win. I pick Melissa Leo because she was such a convincing Queen Of All Skanks.
Animated Feature:
Toy Story 3, you retard, even if it put me and The Big E to sleep.
Best Director:
I pick David Fincher for The Social Network as a sort of consolation prize for losing Best Actor and Best Picture. Even still, Fincher did an amazing job with The Social Network. The movie has his prints all over it, and the consistently dark tones can't help but remind the viewer of Tyler Durden or the Zodiac killer. I pick David Fincher, but again, if the King's Speech sweeps look out of that twat Tom Hooper.
Original Screenplay:
I pick the King's Speech because everyone thinks it's so "literary" and therefore obviously indicative of good writing...
Adapted Screenplay:
I pick Aaron Sorkin's The Social Network because I think Aaron has a lot of pull in town and I think people assume he's a genius because he wrote The West Wing which I don't give a shit about. Either way, he looks like the biggest prick of all time, so whatever, I guess he deserves it.
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So there you have it, C-MAC's well-researched picks for the 2011 Oscars. I'll be back to celebrate my foresight next week, so until then, au revoir.
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