(Sorry Carrot Top. You just missed the top 5.)
My brother has red hair. He often acts like having red hair makes him a target for ridicule. I don't really think that's the case, it's probably more likely his personality. I've been making fun of others for my entire life, but hair color was never something that I would use in my ball busting. I mean what's the point? I usually think that he is overly sensitive because if somebody mentions the color of his hair, he feels like they are somehow dissing him. I think its bullshit, but I also have never had to walk around with a pumpkin on my head, so I don't exactly know what its like. So my brother always says stuff like nobody cool has red hair. I would disagree, but when we thought about who was the coolest red head, we always came up with Conan O'Brien, who is really funny, but not exactly somebody you would call cool. The guy is like the king of self-deprecating humor. I knew that there were definitely some badass red heads, but I just had to take some time to think about it. I did and here is my list.
No. 6,350,331, Archie Andrews
Archie was the biggest pussy ever. Always acting like he could never decide between Betty and Veronica so he never would make a move. It was probably because he had a thing for Jughead.
No. 5. Bill Walton
Although the "The Big Red-Head" won two NBA titles, was named the MVP in 1978, was selected to the NBA's 50th anniversary all-time team, and is a member of the NBA hall of fame, his professional career was seen as a disappointment because injuries kept Walton from living up to his potential, which was to be the greatest basketball player of all time. He had all the tools coming out of college, where he was the national player of the year, 3 straight seasons, but it wasn't meant to be. Walton has also attended over 650 Grateful Dead shows, and in 2001 he was inducted into the Grateful Dead Hall of Honor. Whatever the hell that is.
No. 4. Dave Mustaine
I was having trouble choosing between Mustaine and Axl Rose for this spot. Both guys were pretty fucking awesome about 20 years ago. But nowadays Axl is kind of a joke, but Mustaine is still going strong. Mustaine is such a badass red head that he was kicked out of Metallica for partying too hard. Wrap your head around that one. Like a true badass, Mustaine went on to form Megadeth, the band he still fronts to this day.
No. 3. Rurik
Rurik was a 9th century Danish Viking. Known as "The Rus" (red-headed), Rurik led the invasion into what later became "Rus-sia" (land of the Red). So basically this dude was the founder of the Russian empire. And everybody knows that Russia is pretty much the toughest place in the world. So I'd say that would make Rurik a pretty badass red head.
No. 2. George Washington
Most people don't know that as a young man, George Washington had a shock of red hair that burned like the fires of Hades. But why is Washington a badass, you ask? I don't know. Maybe because he fired the first shot in the French and Indian war, which indirectly led to the Revolutionary war, which Washington basically financed and won by himself. And oh yeah, he was the father of this country. Fucking badass!
No. 1. Chuck Norris
No surprise here. Known mostly for kicking ass in movies and television, Chuck could kick ass in real life too. He was a karate world champion for six straight years. Let's hear those pussies Jean Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal say that. Chuck Norris is such a badass red head, that his beard was no. 6 on this list.
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